Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I need a beard to bite.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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