Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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