I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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