Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
