I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
