Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
