My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
