we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
