i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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