the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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