Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
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My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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