i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
