I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
