I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
