Betty ford says i'm here all night
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
