I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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