She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
