before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
