I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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