i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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