Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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