My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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