Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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