I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
