she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
