I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
