mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
