Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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