I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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