It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
