I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
