I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
