I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
