Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
