May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
