Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
