I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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