i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
