My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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