I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
