I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
