Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
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