I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
