i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
