Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
FUCK WHALES
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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