I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
