I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
