This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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