I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The air was thick with penises
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
