Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
if only i could text you this smell
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
