last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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