When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You pole danced in your parka.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
