this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
