Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I want a musical about memes.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
