My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
