Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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