Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
