I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just invented taco cereal.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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