My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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