I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
