And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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