Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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